Men, their own enemies

Adesola Ayo-Aderele reflects on avoidable mistakes often made in raising kids that turn men into their own enemies.

Men are their own enemies. Not sorry to say.

Earlier this month, Nollywood veteran RMD had written an Instagram post thus:

“When my father was !ll, my sister left her job to stay with him. My other sister left her business to work shifts with her. None of us boys left our business or work.

“Yet you fΩΩl!$hly complain that you have only girls? You have hit the jackpot!

“Each of your daughters is worth three sons! Having a daughter prolongs your life. She will not get into as much trouble as your sons.

“She is less likely to be disobedient. When she leaves your house, she will remember you. If you are too old to live alone, she will move you into her home, matrimonial or not. Go and thank God for having daughters!”

On the surface, this looks inspirational and it appears to put in good words for female kids. However, in reality, it only shows the cultural perception of the male child—a bad, negative perception coated in sweet words.

Why this conversation this holy morning? Here’s why:

Nigerian footballer Victor Boniface had tweeted a photograph of himself and his grandma in a first-class cabin and his followers went on a prayer spree with most of them praying to be able to do same for their mothers or grandmothers.

Fathers didn’t exist in over 99% of the responses I scrolled through.

I read somewhere that the guy lost his mom at a young age and that his grandma was the one that raised him. Someone said it was likely his maternal grandma and that says a lot about male disposition to child upbringing!

Yet, it’s not as if fathers don’t feature in their kids’ lives, especially male kids, but many dads limit their roles to that of provider and disciplinarian.

Mothers do all these and more and that is why it is only natural for kids to gravitate more towards the moms, even when dads aren’t doing badly as parents.

Advice for men: Instead of handing that school fees to your wife, why not take a few hours off work, go to the school or bank with your child, pay that fee right in that child’s presence and give him/her the teller to present to the teacher the following day if you can’t finish the exercise that same day?

During inter-house sports, move the mountains the way your wife does and be present to cheer up your child as they do the inane sports.

Find time to cook with your kids, even if it’s once in a year.

If you transfer housekeeping allowance to your wife, ensure to inform her in the presence of the children, whether during dinner or at any such time when the kids are there. Witnesses are necessary for certain things, if you didn’t know.

This is Yuletide season, don’t hand over that shopping money to wifey. Instead, go for shopping as a family and ensure to be the one to bring out the money from your pocket right there before your kids, instead of giving the money to your wife in your bedroom at home and smiling sheepishly in the market as your kids watch their mom pay thousands upon thousands from her purse, while thinking she owns the money!

Find time to play with your son. In most cases, young daughters have no problem playing with any of the parents; so, draw your son in. Play football with him. As he gravitates into puberty, give him heads up about that stage of his life and what it means to be an adult, a husband, a father, worker, etc.

Above all, be true to your kids’ mothers, even if you’re no longer together. Take it or leave it, no matter how well you treat your kids, if you’re mean to their mom, they’re not likely to forgive easily.

If people raise their son well, he’ll be there for them as necessary; after all, if a family only has sons, they won’t go and borrow a daughter for whatever reasons, abi?

And if, after you’ve done all these and more, the kids still want to leave you out, call them to order and let them know they’re not only hurting your feelings, they are also calling your integrity to question.

Ire o!